I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
