then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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