They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Naked Twister starts at high noon
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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