I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
