Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
