I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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