mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
