there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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