she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
