Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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