Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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