barbara walters just said penis...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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