honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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