Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
