I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
