An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
