I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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