I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
