$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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