Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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