she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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