bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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