the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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