I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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