things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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