Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
