At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
