On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
