someone threw a dead crab at me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
