ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
