some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
