i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
