my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
