I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
