I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
