Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
