At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
