She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
