pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
