I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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