Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
