our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
