I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
