I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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