I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
