Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
