Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
