THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
this hospital has no fireball
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
