I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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