have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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